The Weekly Round-Up: 11.01.08

"And now, the end is here
And so I face the final curtain."

Microsoft chairman Bill Gates took his final bow on stage at the CES show in Las Vegas this weekend.

The great man bid adieu to the annual consumer electronics bore-fest with an underwhelming keynote (apart from this embarrassing episode) that left even Microsoft fanboys - no, really, there are some - disappointed and snoozing in their plaid shirts.

Gates has been giving the keynote at CES since 1994. Past keynote addresses have introduced Tablet PCs and various digital household objects that, truthfully, have yet to enter the mainstream with any particular success.

Last year, Gates used his appearance to show off, among other things, Windows Home Server. Curb your enthusiasm, gadget fans.

In recent years, or 2007 at least, the show has been overshadowed by Macworld and this year promises to be no exception.

One of the 'emerging technologies' Gates showcased was the Surface table TV technology which costs $10,000. No. your memory isn't deceiving you, this was actually announced last year and is a snazzy, ergonomic nightmare of a device that Bill used to design a snowboard. He wrote 'BILL' on it. Genius.

Gates said: "I've got something that looks pretty good," as the rest of the audience shifted uncomfortably in their seats and wondered when Steve Jobs was coming on stage.

This year, Gates' most notable gadget is a mobile navigator that can be used to point at a person or place and get more information. The Round-Up supposes this will be a boon to people who can't be bothered to look at things or ask someone for any information. Check out more of the ground-breaking technological revelations here.

However, the highlight of the keynote was probably the five-minute skit entitled 'Bill Gates' Last Day at Microsoft', which was essentially a mockumentary of chairman Bill's last day in the office. The great man is seen interacting with fellow executives as well as celebrities from music, entertainment, movies and politics.

"He's so focused," opines long-time friend and CEO Steve Ballmer, as Bill drives to work with his briefcase on the roof of his Lexus. What larks.

Later, Bono is dragged on to tell Gates he can't replace The Edge in U2 just because he got a high score in Guitar Hero. The Round-Up isn't going to pretend it was top-quality humour, though, in contrast to the product announcements, it was welcome refreshment.

From music to politics. After failing to convince either Hillary Clinton or Barack Obama to take him on as a running partner, he calls Al Gore. Gore answers the phone: "Hi Bill. No... No, this isn't an inconvenient time. Yeah, I got it. That was a good one."

More japery ensues before a perma-tanned news anchor pays tribute to the "brilliant, powerful and - let's face it - sexy and good-looking leader of men and women who just doesn't believe in paying more than $7 for a haircut".

How about that for a eulogy?

You can check out a video of Gates' final CES shindig here, and view pictures from the final-day-at-Microsoft skit here. He was also joined on stage by guitarist Slash, an appearance which did more harm for his image than all his years of associating with Axl Rose.

Will the industry miss Bill when he finally goes? Sure, why not. Love him or loathe he's helped shape the tech landscape we now inhabit.

Will the CES event miss him? The jury's out.

One thing's for sure: at least Ballmer's going to be a whole lot more entertaining when he takes the stage in 2009.

Cue Debbie Gibson music, excessive sweating and whooping...

Either way, by this time next week another Macworld will have passed us by and a whole new raft of Apple gadgets will be out and being imitated in time for CES 2009.

With Apple having already made a couple of product announcements - it launched a staggeringly powerful and staggeringly expensive new Mac Pro model this week - the signs are the company is getting the dull stuff out of the way so they can focus on the sexy stuff. Super-slim laptops and major movie-related announcements would be the Round-Up's best prediction.

Meanwhile, it's been a nervous time for iPhone users.

While, it's unlikely that all those early adopters will be apoplectic with rage as the Apple boss announces a 32GB 3G iPhone at half the price of the existing model - that'll come later this year - it's even less likely Jobs will announce that the first Trojan for the device has been confirmed in the wild. But that's exactly what has happened.

The first warnings about the Trojan were posted on the iPhone modification forum ModMyiFone.com, said security vendor F-Secure.

When installed, the Trojan appeared to do nothing more than display the word "shoes", according to the ModMyiFone post.

So, more a pointless prank than a destructive Trojan. All things considered - some people really do have far too much time on their hands.

Some more slightly reassuring news for iPhone owners is that increased fears of mugging are unfounded, according to the UK police. Fears the iPhone could result in street thefts and assaults fuelled by criminals' desire for the ultra-expensive gadgets have so far proved unfounded.

That's not to say that you should be flashing your iPhone about in public, like the man the Round-Up saw on a train platform late at night flaunting his iPhone for no apparent reason other than to make the Round-Up seethe with envy.

The police advise iPhone owners to be aware of their surroundings and be safe and sensible about where they use their phone.

"For instance we suggest that people should not get their phones out immediately after leaving an underground station and to stand with your back against a wall so that you are aware of what is happening around you when using your phone in a public place." Better still, stand in an enclosed place to make your call. Like a telephone box.

Meanwhile, the police have also assured Zune users that they are absolutely safe. Flash it about all you want, there's no chance you'll get mugged.

No they didn't, the Round-Up made that up. Sorry Zune users. Or should that be user?

Spat ahoy!

The good ship One Laptop Per Child (OLPC) project is sailing in choppy waters. Shame. What could have befallen the project now? After all, it's even got a customer.

Alas, it's heartbreak, because the ill-fated relationship between the project and chip giant Intel is over. Like a doomed teenage romance that everyone could see would end in tears apart from the emotionally sensitive lovers.

The OLPC laptop uses chips from AMD, lest we forget, and this naturally had got Intel a bit hot under the collar.

However, it finally came on board with the project when it was agreed that OLPC would develop an Intel version of the green and white laptop, which bears an uncanny resemblance to a toilet seat.

Intel has now dumped on OLPC and gone its own way to develop its own technology.

This week the chip giant called time on the partnership. And, if the truth be told, OLPC boss Nicholas Negroponte hasn't taken it very well.

The good professor said Intel had failed to deliver on any of the promises made when it joined the organisation and had "disparaged" the project.

Negroponte said: "Intel was unable to work co-operatively with OLPC on software development. Instead, over the entire six months it was a member of the board, Intel contributed nothing to OLPC."

He then put on a brave face and said that the project could now push ahead with a renewed sense of clarity.

He then sniffed, burst into tears and was led away by a consoling member of the OLPC PR team. Or so the Round-Up would like to think.

An Intel spokeswoman was in a somewhat less emotional mood and accused Negroponte of demanding that the chip maker abandon its own low-cost Classmate PC and stop working with other organisations developing low-cost laptops. Not an open relationship then.

The spokeswoman said: "We have said for a long time that we don't believe there will be one single solution [for getting laptops in the hands of poor children]. There are some basic fundamental differences in our approaches."

The cynic in Round-Up suspects one has to do with putting a laptop in the hands of under-privileged kids in developing nations while the other is all to do with making huge piles of money. But that really would be way wide of the mark, wouldn't it?

The Round-Up doesn't normally go in for 'Schadenfreude', or indeed any German food, but a sheepish admission by Levi's-wearing petrol-head Jeremy Clarkson brought a smile to the lips this week.

In a column in the super, scorching Sun, Clarkson rubbished the concerns about identity theft following the HMRC records scandal.

The Top Gear presenter called the uproar a palaver and to prove his absolute conviction he published details of his Barclays account, including account number and sort code in the paper.

The celebrity, with liquid hubris sweating from every pore, even told readers how to find his home address. Here was a chance to prove to panic-stricken liberals and bleeding-heart pansies that the widespread concern over the data loss and identify theft had been completely overblown.

A week later and a red-faced Clarkson admitted some ne'er-do-well had managed to set up a direct debit on his account to send £500 to a diabetes charity. So a do-gooding ne'er-do-well, really.

Clarkson at least had the good grace to admit he was wrong and accepted the punishment.

In reference to the HMRC incident, he added: "Contrary to what I said at the time, we must go after the idiots who lost the discs and stick cocktail sticks in their eyes until they beg for mercy."

Bless the considered and moderate voice of middle Britain.

On the plus side, this is a great win for privacy activists. The publicity that is, not the £500 loss and red face for the TV presenter.

For such a high-profile doubter and grumpy old man to admit there actually there is a serious threat from identity theft is worth a dozen press releases.

Finally this week, a swift round-up of some other curiosities from the week in technology:

Gordon Brown dithering over ID cards: Parliament will decide. Which is nice considering the rest of us made up our minds some time ago.

Fancy working a four-hour week? Check out the following video and the secrets of a lie-in, long lunches and going home early can be enjoyed by all and not just civil servants.

And very finally: 'Won't somebody think of the children?' Education agency pleads for no Vista in schools.

Until next week, take a moment to check out the Weekly Round-Up podcast. And test your wits in the Caption Competition.